Your Friend Was Just Diagnosed With cancer, Now What?

 

There are things you can do for a friend when they are diagnosed with cancer. I’m a glass half full, actually, a glass three quarters to overflowing kind of person so it’s not my nature to focus on the negative aspect of being diagnosed with cancer however, it’s important for the people around the person diagnosed to know what not to do as much as what to do. Being diagnosed with cancer isn’t anyone’s first choice. Don’t insert yourself and your way into their situation. Ask to be invited. Here are 4 things not to do that will help you know what to do.

 

4. Do Not Tell Them To Be Positive

 

Telling someone who has just been diagnosed with cancer to be or stay positive or strong or brave is stating the obvious. This person may turn out to be the strongest and bravest person you will know.

Being a positive person isn’t something you turn on and off. It’s already the person you are. If your friend is a glass half empty kind of person, it’s not in their stream of consciousness to suddenly be positive about situations. You telling them to be positive is as good as telling a dog to walk on two legs. In this case, the best you can do is to say positive things to them. Telling them they ARE brave, or strong is different than telling them they need to be.

The bottom line here is don’t insert yourself or your thoughts into someone else’s situation. Take their lead with regard to how they are going to handle the diagnosis and treatment plan.  Ask them if they want you to give advice or do things for them. Even if you think you know this person better than anyone in the world, don’t assume their brain is processing this scary news the way you would or think that they would.

 

3. Do Not Take Away Control

 

In this section, I’m going to tell you why taking charge may not be beneficial. You may think you are being helpful when you tell your friend that you are going to pick up the kids from school, or that you’re going to come to do all of the laundry or some other daily task that would be glorious to not have to do. It may not be. Especially when it comes to children. I wanted to be as close to my children as much as I could be when I felt ok. I knew there would be plenty of time that I didn’t feel well and wouldn’t be able to do the daily tasks with them. Don’t assume that taking the kids away is helpful for the parent or the children.

Your Friend’s Life Is Out Of Control

Ask if they want help with the task before you take charge. Their life is spinning out of control. While it may sound ridiculous, being in control of things you can be in control of is important. For instance, laundry. Laundry may be the ONLY thing they can control at the moment. There will be days when the person needs help with some of the mundane tasks but don’t assume that because the bottom is falling out of their world that they don’t want to be in control. I craved feeling like a “normal” person in my home and daily life. Not the task of laundry but the normalcy of laundry gave me control.

 

2. Do Not Suggest Special Diets Or Supplements

 

You may believe in or have heard diets or supplements that are the answer and cure for cancer. This is a rabbit hole for a few reasons. First, it adds to the mountain of information that the person is already trying to process.

Secondly, suggesting that they change their entire diet, and therefore a way of life is just too much. You might be saying to yourself, if I could change my diet live longer, I would do it in a heartbeat! Yes, yes you would but when you are trying to process what the fight of your life looks like, figuring out a new lifestyle is overwhelming. Heck, it’s overwhelming when that’s your only goal. There will be a time and a place to suggest healthy options, this is not it.

If you can’t help yourself, ask if they want more information about the supplement or diet suggestion and say “or is it too much to process right now”. If they say no, respect that. You have told them you have information and if they get to a point that they want to explore it, they will ask.

 

1. Do Not Offer Advice

 

And the number one thing not to do when a friend is diagnosed with cancer is offer unsolicited advice. Remember, they are doing their best to process everything in front of them. Beyond the need to process “you have cancer” there are the treatment options, medical appointments, tests, fielding questions from family and friends and it’s a lot.  The number one thing you can do to help someone who has been diagnosed with cancer is to not offer unsolicited advice. Let me say that again, DO NOT offer advice.

Ask them if they want advice. If they say yes, that’s a different story, and there are caveats to that as well. If you are asked to give advice, give small bits of advice. Don’t dump all of your thoughts on them about what they “should be” or “need” to be doing for their entire cancer journey.  If they ask for advice about a specific topic, give advice relative to that specific topic. Less is more.

Too much information and advice can become overwhelming. Do your part to help keep their thoughts clear and organized. If you are compelled to give advice, rephrase your advice in a question such as “Have you thought about xyz”? “Do you think that xyz”? “Would you consider a second opinion”? You get the point. This will help them think about how they want to handle the specific topic vs being told what to do. Even if you think it’s the way it should be done, try to let them have input.

 

So That’s What You CAN Do!!

The good news is that there are so many things that you CAN say to a friend diagnosed with cancer!  Knowing what not to say is a great place to start to figure out how best to help.

To get to know the wonderful friends who helped me on this journey check out some of my earlier posts like Home From First Chemo and you’ll see how the little things they did made as much of a difference as the big things.

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