Telling my family and friends has been one of the hardest things I have had to do, in some cases worse than grueling cancer treatments.

 

The first time I was diagnosed with cancer I didn’t realize the gravity of telling my family and friends about my diagnosis.  Maybe I was just in shock that I had cancer so all of it was a blur.

 

The first time I was diagnosed it seemed a little more transactional. Here are the facts, here’s the plan. Done.

 

The second time I was diagnosed it was a little scarier but also, here’s the plan, and then we move on.

 

Now It’s Getting Scary

Then there was a third time…well that’s when you know what got real. That was my first cervical cancer recurrence which didn’t have an awesome prognosis, so it was scary. The plan was much more involved, including traveling from FL to TX to participate in a clinical trial for at least six months.

 

I was open about my diagnosis and treatment but like everyone around me, I had no idea what it was going to look like or how bad it was going to be. It was tough to tell my family and friends more so because I didn’t have answers and less that I thought I would die. The treatment at that time wasn’t surgery like the first two, it was chemo which I imagine is scary to everyone. It was to me.

 

The fourth time was when I really felt the weight and stress about telling my family and friends. Mostly, my parents and children. The people in the world who love you the most and you are telling them that 1) you’re in a situation they can’t fix, 2) you’re causing them pain, 3) you can’t assure them that they won’t lose you. Those would be the highlights of why I felt stress.

 

 

Telling My Parents and Sons

 

A parent’s job is to protect their children. My parents couldn’t protect me, and I couldn’t protect my children. Hard to find the win-win in that.

 

I’ve always been grateful to be the patient in this situation. While it’s tough to be causing the pain, I believe it’s easier to be the patient because you feel more in control of your body and mind. When you are the loved one you have zero control.  Zero.

 

My stomach is turning a bit thinking about the times I have had to tell my family. I could see and feel their hearts break a little each time.

 

 

 

Maybe It’s Better Not to Tell?

 

Some people don’t tell anyone but their spouse or just one friend that they are facing a diagnosis. I don’t know the reason but wouldn’t be surprised if having to say the words, explain the process, and see the pain might have something to do with it.

 

 

 

 

cancer On Your Terms

 

My journey has been very public, and I can’t imagine it any other way, but I believe everyone needs to do their cancer diagnosis the way that works best for them and that might be not sharing.

 

My openness about having cancer has also created some level of weight with my recurrences. Early on I wrote about someone starting to cry at the grocery store when I told them I had cancer. It was probably my fourth recurrence that I was the one crying in the grocery store when I told people. It happened more than once.

 

 

Be Careful Of “How Are You?”

 

Living in a small town has its plusses. I don’t know if the Publix manager recognizing you is one of those, but he was the lucky one to experience my tears one day. He asked a question that we all ask and that I’m not sure we really mean but he said, “How are you?”. Little did he know I would start crying and say “Do you know I’ve had cancer a million times? Well, it’s back again.” The tears came and I couldn’t stop them.

 

He was so kind and gave me his number in case I needed groceries delivered or anything he could help with on that end. It was obviously before the days of Instacart. When I pulled it together, I finished my shopping wearing sunglasses. Just a reminder, when you ask someone how they are, you might get a truthful answer so don’t just ask to ask and expect “good” or “fine” as a response.

 

 

The Day A cancer Patient Dreads And Anticipates

 

I feel some weight with my recurrences because I also feel like I’m taking some hope from others who are going through cancer or who have looked to me for hope. I have “friends” because of cancer and when I’ve had to share my recurrence have felt bad that it is too much for them because it’s a reality slap that they could have a recurrence too.  Recurrences are the days that cancer patients dread and anticipate so I feel bad making it real for others. Sometimes ignorance is bliss and that’s ok.

 

 Mad At cancer

 

I’ve always felt weight and fear when I’ve had a recurrence. One friend gets really mad. I love her for that. I haven’t felt anger on this journey, so I like that she handles that for me. She never puts it on me or makes me feel that she’s angry with me or wants me to be angry, but she’s mad as a hornet at cancer and I like that.

 

 

Answers

 

Not only is there the sadness that you’re putting stress or weight on the people who love you when it comes to a diagnosis but sometimes it’s tough because you don’t have answers. You may not know what the treatment plan is or when treatment will start, etc. and the people around you want answers.

 

They want to know how everyone is going to work together to make you better and they will question your decisions and your doctor’s plan. That can be stressful because we as patients don’t always know the answer but what we know is that we trust our doctor.

 

When others question the plan it’s tough because we are trying to make everyone around us feel ok about what’s going on to protect you. If you are questioning what the patient feels good about, which may be their doctor, then you’re creating stress.

 

 

There’s A Time And Place For Questions

 

There’s a way to ask questions and offer suggestions but check your emotion and timing before you do so. We understand your sense of urgency and fear about our diagnosis, but please don’t make us feel that we have to manage any of that. Our heads are barely above water with what we are digesting so think before you frantically speak.

 

 

Scanxiety

I’ve written about scanxiety and the reality of it. For me, the anxiety is obviously about having to deal with cancer again but there’s a big part of the anxiety that comes from the fear that I may have to tell my children and parents, and people who love me most that my cancer is back. If I do have to tell people it’s adding stress and sadness to their life.  Who wants to be the cause of that and in my case it’s been a common occurrence.

 

When I get to report good news to my sons after a scan, I’m always taken aback a bit about their responses. It’s usually through text and I can hear their relief through their words. It’s silly that I’m surprised by that because just as they feel the weight of bad news they feel the relief of good.

 

Someone You Love Has cancer

 

When someone who loves you tells you they have cancer take a deep breath. You can’t fix it. Know that it pains them to tell you so your response will make a difference in how they handle the journey and what they feel safe sharing with you.