I haven’t written for quite some time. It’s been a difficult transition to go from having cancer to not, i.e. survivorship. That’s strange, right? I should be thrilled that I’m cancer-free and just go back to “normal” life. I’m as surprised as anyone that “easy” hasn’t been the case. For several weeks after the great news, I didn’t feel like the cancer was gone. Not because I felt bad or felt any lumps, but more because I had lived with it for so long that that had turned into the “normal”.

I Can’t Believe I Freaked During A Massage

Something happened today that made me realize I know that the cancer is gone and have the normal worry that it will come back.  During a massage the therapist was massaging my neck (I’m cringing as I write this) where there were so many swollen lymph nodes a year ago. I panicked a little and told her she had to stop and was tearful. ok, I panicked a lot. She handled it so well. She was comforting and understanding and continued the rest of the massage. It’s become “normal” that the cancer is gone. It’s also become “normal” to feel and think about the cancer coming back. I will live with the thoughts of it coming back for a long time. I would like to believe those feelings will go away. It took 6 or 7 years last time. This time might be a little longer.

I Can’t Even Fathom Running A Marathon Now

I have thought about the past year quite a bit recently. If I take a snapshot of my life a year ago and a snapshot today and see how different it is. This year I ran the San Diego half marathon as two friends ran the full. A year ago I was in the shape of my life and had just run the full marathon. This year I am fighting hard to get that fitness back. The clothes I have been putting on are the clothes I wore a year ago. They don’t fit. As petty as it sounds, it frustrates me. I am thankful to have my life, but wouldn’t mind the more fit body I had a year ago.

The chemo has put me into menopause. Awesome. The hot flashes, weight gain, and random other side effects are wearing on me. Again, it seems like a small challenge but I fought so hard, I would like to take some time off.

Survivorship Is Hard Which Seems Wrong To Say Out Loud

As I reflect on the past year I can’t believe that I had cancer and went through chemo. It’s surreal. It was tough. I didn’t think so at the time, I just did it. But it was hard and survivorship is hard now.  I’m proud that I won the battle but do live in some fear that I will have to do it again. I don’t want to, that’s new news to you right! 😂

I have been allowing myself to rest more. I get tired easily.  From social situations to regular everyday situations. I didn’t expect that it would take time for me to regain strength. Maybe because I think I have never been stronger than I was over the past 12 months.