My two sons have lived their lifetimes with cancer. At 23 and 19 they don’t know what it’s like to have a mom who doesn’t have cancer. Here’s what I did to help my sons and what I would consider doing differently while parenting through cancer.

Parents Have Surgery All The Time

The first time I was diagnosed with cancer my sons were four and two months old. I had my thyroid removed shortly after my second son, Ethan, was born to find out the nodules previously biopsied were cancerous.  That was scary but I didn’t know what I didn’t know. What I was hearing was that it was treatable and “if you’re going to have cancer, this is the one you want”. The worry meter was fairly low because of those two factors.

 

It wasn’t an easy process, but I handled the treatment fine and thought I had checked cancer off my list. There wasn’t much, if any explaining about what was going at that point except some basic talk of surgery, hospital, and a scar. It seemed age-appropriate at the time.

 

How Much Should I Have Told Them?

Two years later I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I had a hysterectomy and recovered to go on living a normal life of motherhood with a six and four-year-old.

 

I remember thinking that I hadn’t done a good job of setting the expectation for Matthew when I got home from surgery.  He was old enough to understand surgery. I had told him I was going to the hospital and that I wouldn’t feel well but I didn’t know or tell him that I wouldn’t feel well when I got home and for how long.

 

I didn’t tell him that I wouldn’t be able to play soccer after school like we normally did or that I would need naps or that I couldn’t drive for a few weeks. All minor things but I didn’t set the expectation, so he worried more when I wasn’t “normal” mom when I got home.

 

He had separation issues going to school for a few weeks during that time. Looking back, I’m sure it’s because I wasn’t the mom I was before surgery. He had been going to school for years and during that time he had to be peeled out of his car seat to go into school which was new for all of us. Worry and stress present in interesting ways.

 

Keeping Their Lives “Normal”

Seven years later when I had my first recurrence of cervical cancer my sons were nine and 13. They understood a lot more about what was going on and my diagnosis was significant. I participated in a clinical trial in Houston.  That meant that every three weeks I would be gone for a few days and when I got home, I would be in bed for several days.  I had no idea how to prepare them for this as I had no idea what to expect going into it.

 

What I did know was that I didn’t want their lives to change which is a ridiculous statement. How could their lives not change if their mom was gone every three weeks and when she was home she wasn’t the cooking, driving, helping at school mom they were used to?

 

What Is “Normal” When Your Mom Has cancer?

It was my original intention to not have their lives change, or maybe keep their lives as “normal” as possible is s better statement. I guess the goal was “as normal as possible” if your mom had cancer.

 

The travel added a layer to figure out when trying to keep their lives normal. My close friend Barb and my then-husband alternated traveling to Houston with me for treatment. The boys each chose a family they would stay with for the treatments when their father was with me. Those families became their families. I will always be grateful that they guarded my boys’ hearts and helped them feel safe during that time. Those families were their surrogate parents through cancer.

 

I think we gave them the option of a grandparent staying with them during that time or going to a friend’s.  They chose the friend’s house because that was something they were used to doing. I imagine they thought it would be like a multiple-night sleepover with families they loved and were used to being with for school and sporting events.

There was a day that Ethan struggled and I got a call from the school. It was heartbreaking. Read about it here.

 

 

Physical Presence Isn’t Parenting

On the weeks I was home and feeling ok I still didn’t feel like a parent. I felt that my job was to focus on getting better so I would have years ahead with them. Years to see them grow, graduate from high school, college, go on to live happy, healthy, successful lives. I wouldn’t change that I gave up some time parenting in hopes of a massive return on that investment. I had one job. Live.

 

There were many basketball and baseball games I missed because I didn’t feel well or didn’t want to be in a school gym that was potentially filled with germs my weakened immune system couldn’t fight. Again, the trade-off to miss the immediate in hopes of long-term returns.

 

My goal was to keep their lives “normal” and have the least disruption but I’m not sure that was the best approach. I think by doing so I excluded them from the process in some way. Sheltered them from what was going on. Trying to not disrupt their lives was also my way of protecting them. It wasn’t conscious at the time but looking back I can definitely see that’s what I was doing.

Was That The Best Choice?

There are arguments for either side, but I wonder if they felt less connected because I pushed them to go on with their lives while I was fighting for mine. I can’t imagine immersing them in my fight would have been a healthy or productive approach but reflecting on that time makes me wonder if I did the right thing.  if I had only had a crystal ball!

 

It’s Different When They Are Older

When I had subsequent recurrences, the boys were older so I did include them a bit more. Their ages mattered as I navigated parenting through cancer. When I was facing radiation treatment, they drove me a few times early on so they could see what the process was like and understand that it wasn’t invasive or painful. Hopefully, that alleviated some worry. Or at least the immediate worry. I’m not sure it helped with the big picture “is mom going to live” worry, actually, I’m positive it didn’t.

 

I’ve always believed that the boys would, and have taken my lead through each diagnosis. I’m not naïve to think that they haven’t worried or internalized their feelings, but I have thought that if they see me being positive and forging on then that’s what they will do too.  If they see me laughing with my friends and continuing to exercise when I could then they would learn from that too.

 

There is no way to know the best way to handle the situation. Hindsight is usually 20/20 and I can look back and see how I might have changed things but isn’t that life?

 

Consider Professional Help

There are many factors to consider when figuring out how to best help your children through your cancer diagnosis. There are professionals who can guide you so don’t be afraid to ask for help. Facing cancer is hard enough. Parenting through cancer is stress on another level. There is a wealth of information online including through sites like The American Cancer Societybut I would caution that you read each one and see if it matches how you it matches your current style of parenting. If you make it weird for your children they will feel it and be less receptive.

There Are Things I Wouldn’t Change

The one thing I wouldn’t change parenting through cancer is letting my sons see strength, laughter, and a positive outlook while facing a difficult challenge. There are lessons I learned and lessons they learned that can’t be taught. As with most things cancer, I can say that I don’t like the reason but I can find good in the challenges. I hope they can too.

 

Telling your friends and family you have cancer can be stressful. Click here to find out why.