One year ago today I was having my first chemo treatment. I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I type that. If I let my mind go back to the experience I can feel myself in the bed, ice on my hand, and pain.
To think what I learned throughout those 8 treatments is difficult to write down. How the first treatment was versus the eighth treatment was so incredibly different. At my first treatment, I had no idea what to expect and did what they said to do. By the 8th treatment ,I asked for things to help me through the process. I can’t believe I had an IV in my hand for over 8 hours the first time. My hand. It was so painful but I had no idea there was another way to do it.
I Expected Some Suffering
I think it was one of the things that I thought I should push through because if I couldn’t do that how would I beat cancer? Not consciously, but at the time I think I it made me mentally tougher to endure some physical pain to prove I was tougher than the cancer that had invaded my body. At the time physical pain was part of the experience. I couldn’t be weak. By my eighth treatment, I learned that there was no need to have that pain. Comfort is more important. By my eighth treatment, I was getting plenty of extra drugs to help with nausea and pain. I needed help by then.
Trading Joy And Pain
The past year has been filled with so much pain and joy. The painful things are obvious. Emotional pain and physical pain. There are so many things about the pain that I wouldn’t trade. There are so many things that I would trade.
The joyful things are also obvious. The big things. The day Dr. Westin told me the cancer is gone, the follow-ups that the cancer has not returned are obvious joyous days. The ones that are less obvious but probably bring me more joy, are the days I can now experience that were missed over the past year. There were so many things I had to let go of as a mother. The days that bring me joy now are the days I can watch the boys at sporting events. The days that I can pick them up from school. The day that Matthew hugged me in front of his friends when I hadn’t seen him the night before. The day Ethan told me he asked out a girl. The days that I exercise and feel myself getting stronger while thinking that I had chemo. The days that I work on ME STRONG and feel energized by the potential I see with it. There was a significant chance that cancer could have won it’s battle inside my body. I didn’t accept it at the time. I can reflect on the battle now.
Another Cliche And cancer
It’s so cliche to say that a survivor looks at life differently. But it’s so true. It’s unfortunate that I had to go through this process to look at life the way I do now, but it’s a gift to be able to find new perspective.
Hi Linda. Thank you for sharing your experience with cervical cancer. I work in the communications office at MD Anderson and have been following your blog/twitter for some time now. Would you be interested in discussing potential collaborations? If so, please contact me at lrichardson1@mdanderson.org.
Thank you,
Lucy Richardson