It’s not uncommon for cancer survivors to be live in fear of a recurrence when they finish treatment. Having a recurrence is the day that cancer survivors dread and, in some ways, anticipate. Living in fear and thinking about are two very different things though.

 

As a survivor, I can say that thoughts of recurrence have permanent residence in my brain. It’s just thoughts, not fear, about recurrence that is there for me. I have had five recurrences so there’s no question that it’s a reality. Thoughts of recurrence are always a consideration and not just every three months when I have a scan. Anytime something feels different in my body my brain quickly goes to the place of “is it cancer?”.

 

The Ongoing Battle

Thankfully I am currently on Avastin which has kept my cancer stable for close to two years. My life schedule revolves around a three-week calendar based on when I have treatment. I have zero complaints about the schedule because the drug is working, and I hope to have hundreds more. Every three weeks I am faced with the reality that I have cancer so there’s not much time to forget that cancer plays a role in my life. Again, I’m not complaining about having to have ongoing treatment but I am saying that it’s something I’m forced to face regularly.  I’ve gotten to the place where I really think, and definitely hope, that I’m done with the big battles and will continue this steady battle. This I can do.

 

How To Not Be Fearful of Recurrence?

I often see posts on Facebook cancer groups where women post that they are worried “it” will come back. In most cases, you can sense the fear in the words that are typed. The answer to how can you stop worrying is simple but it isn’t easy to do.  The answer is that you just don’t. I know, easier said than done.

Worrying that it will come back is useless and serves no purpose. None. There is a good chance it will come back. This is a situation where you need to make your mind stronger than cancer and not let it continue to steal the moments of life that you have. If we let it take over our thoughts and cripple our minds with worry, it continues to win. If we live life with joy and not fear, we are taking some of the power back.

 

Do Our Dogs Have Perspective?

 

Layla

We have three dogs. Layla is a Golden Retriever and is afraid of everything. I mean everything. Plastic bags and umbrellas are pinnacles of fear for her. I can’t bear to imagine why she’s fearful of those items. She is the sweetest, most loveable dog I’ve ever had. Layla is her happiest inside the walls of our home and preferably cuddled with someone or her calming Snuggle Puppy.

 

 

 

Sally

Sally is a thirteen-year-old chocolate lab who is happy to rest but in her younger days, she was more adventurous. She definitely doesn’t live in fear. Her biggest fear in life is when her next meal will be served. Sally has peace in life.

 

 

Roger

Then there’s Roger. Roger is two. He was originally going to be a guide dog. COVID presented some limitations for his career path and Roger had a “career change”. Now he’s our pet. Isn’t he handsome? Roger loves life and is happy to be along for the ride. He’s never met a stranger and can make you smile without even trying. His name alone makes me smile.

 

My son Ethan and his girlfriend are home from college and have been around this week. Roger has been swimming and hanging out with them outside. He’s living his best life. Today they took him to the barn where she keeps her horse. He got to go on a field trip and he loved it!

 

You’re probably saying that’s nice about your dogs but what does it have to do with living in fear of a cancer recurrence? Every day that Roger has been doing fun things I come in and see Layla inside and think, she’s missing out on so much. If she weren’t living in fear, she would be experiencing life at a higher level.

 

 

Fear of Recurrence Is a Reality But It Doesn’t Need To Steal The Good Days

I think about recurrence regularly and it’s SCARY but it doesn’t drive my ability to enjoy life. cancer takes so much time and life from you when you’re going through treatment. It doesn’t deserve more power by living in fear of recurrence. I am not saying just turn off the worry, I know that’s not an option. Make a conscious decision to acknowledge the worry for what it is and get on with living. Show cancer who is boss.

 

 

I have to share this wonderful canvas from The Pink Poster I have hanging in our home. I said that we have three dogs. The fourth dog, Maizy, another Golden Retriever in this was diagnosed with lymphoma and passed away before her second birthday. She was a special girl who lived her short life at full tilt every day.