I’m often asked for ideas about how to be helpful during a cancer diagnosis.  It’s usually around the time that the person’s friend or family member is starting treatment. There’s no one answer and there’s not an answer that’s right or wrong.

 

The first thing you need to know is they may not be acting like you would or think they should. Let them do it their way. If they need a pep talk here and there, go for it but don’t tell them what they should or shouldn’t be doing or how they should be feeling. That will get you nowhere. Fast.

 

Being “helpful” doesn’t consist of lecturing and giving unsolicited advice about feelings, diets, supplements, treatments, or lifestyle changes. There may be a time when you can offer advice about these things, but this is not it. Here are some ways that you can be helpful.

 

Evaluating Their Mental Strength May Help You

 

Is this person the type who is being strong for everyone around them and acting like it’s all going to be ok?

Is this the person whose mind has jumped straight to the worst-case scenario?

Maybe they are somewhere in between those extremes?

Figuring that out before you start firing suggestions or a pep talk at someone is critical. Someone in the fetal position isn’t going to be able to hear that they need to exercise or “you got this”.  At that moment, they don’t have it.

The person who is outwardly strong is still scared. Really scared. Their positive attitude doesn’t mean they can take on suggestions for life changes. The information they are receiving and processing is overwhelming.

Wherever they are with their mental strength, know that it’s taking everything they have to just face the mountain that’s in front of them.  Don’t add to that stress. Ask them what they need. “Do you want a pep talk?” “Do you want me to make you laugh?” “Do you want me to sit with you and say nothing?” I try to remember to ask people now because I’ve given many unsolicited pep talks and encouragements of hope when the person isn’t in a place they can hear it.

Even if you are the closest person in the world to the patient, know your boundaries and think before you speak.

 

Being Helpful During A cancer Diagnosis Starts With A Question

 

You may think you know how to be helpful, and you may, but asking the patient before you take control is a good idea. I talked about in greater detail in a past post about what not to do.

Having said that, it can be helpful if you suggest something specific you could help with vs a blanket statement of “let me know how I can help”. Things like “hey, I’m running to the store, can I get anything” or “I can pick up the kids from school today if you want” or “I’m making X for dinner and can make enough for your family too” type of statements are much better than telling the patient “I will do XYZ for you” because the person may not want to relinquish control in those areas.

 

 

Finding Jobs For People To Help Them Feel Better

 

I recently spoke with someone who is currently in treatment and we talked about people wanting to help. Early on in my journey, I tried to think of ways that the people asking to help could help. I wanted them to feel included, validated, and appreciated.

By the third or fourth diagnosis, I had it down and knew who to ask for what. I had never been a person who asked for help but I learned that I needed to, even if it wasn’t a comfortable place for me. I would rather be the helper than the helpee.  Helper type people don’t know how to be helpees. I didn’t know how to receive help.

Then I learned. Being a mom of two consists of jobs that can be done while sick in bed. A difficult lesson. I also learned to be specific about what I wanted and didn’t want.

 

Having A Gatekeeper Is a Big Job That Can Be Very Helpful During A cancer Diagnosis

 

There were people close to me who were conduits for other helpers. People I could be honest and blunt with about how to be helpful.

Meals

Coordinating meals is a huge help during a cancer diagnosis and journey. I know there are online services that can be used but I didn’t want the added responsibility of managing it. A close friend offered to set it up and managed it.

I told her the brutal facts of what worked and what didn’t, and she handled it. There are the obvious, disposable dishes so I didn’t have to figure out returning to people and how many people would be here helping but there were other things too. Things like, I had met my lifetime lasagna quota during past diagnoses and the smell of it was a PTSD trigger. No joke, lasagna smells bring me back to past treatment.

If you are the patient remember if you want the experience to be terrific you need to be specific. Tell the person helping coordinate meals the specifics. People want you to enjoy the meal so tell them what you and your family like and don’t like. Don’t be shy.

Rides

If you are in need of rides to appointments, it may be helpful to have someone be the gatekeeper of that function. There are probably people you would enjoy spending hours with and maybe others you wouldn’t. Your driving gatekeeper can manage that.  I have a friend who doesn’t live locally and is very organized and I trust and can be honest with her. She was able to “help” from afar by being the coordinator and gatekeeper of that function, so I wasn’t the person doing that. That was helpful.

She scheduled and communicated important information to the drivers. She told them that I may not want to talk and that I may sleep on the way home, etc. If you are a driver and haven’t been given instructions bring things that you think maybe good to have in the car. Bring a blanket, water, and a small snack for example. You don’t need to ask the patient or gatekeeper if you should bring these things, just do it. I have to say that I had some great drivers who did those things and it was nice.

 

Consider Keeping A Journal

A less obvious way to be helpful during a cancer diagnosis is for you to keep a journal for the patient. If you are close to the patient think about taking notes when you talk or text with the patient. They don’t need to be interviewed so to speak, but you listening and recording how they feel each treatment round could be valuable info. It’s hard to remember between treatments how you feel after each one and your mind plays tricks.  You start to think “this is better, or worse than it was last time” or “did I have this side effect on round 1, and was it this bad?” so having someone keep track helps.

If you can say “last treatment you were able to eat toast the next day” or “the third day after treatment you slept all day” type of things it helps set the expectation or gauge whether to call the dr about something you’re experiencing or if it was the timing and severity was the same as the past. Don’t make it a burden for the patient to have to answer questions each round of treatment unless they want to make it a more formal process.

 

Responses Aren’t Necessary

 

As a friend, know that the person’s energy is limited and precious. They are tired and may not respond to texts or calls. Don’t expect responses and say that in your message.  “No need to respond but I wanted you to know I’m thinking about you.” They will respond when they feel well enough to do so. Isn’t that the beauty of friendship? You know the person is there if you need them and have no expectations on how they need to behave?

 

Gifts

In addition to wanting to know how to be helpful during a cancer diagnosis, people often ask what kinds of things they could give someone. Most people who have been diagnosed with cancer will know what I mean when I say “cancer gifts”. I really got some good ones. It’s amazing how creative people can be.  There are great things like blankets and fuzzy socks that are obvious but there are some other great options too. I love flowers so if your friend does too then that’s always an option but maybe go with ones that last for a while like orchids or succulents, etc. They don’t require much attention which needs to be a consideration.

People found ways to give their gifts that were meaningful. One friend is a photographer and she took pictures of my children and created a book that I could take with me when I went to treatment. Another music teacher friend made a cd, I know I’m dating myself but I’ve had cancer for a while, of upbeat songs.

Other people found inspirational items which were a bit more challenging. I had trouble reading during chemo treatments. Between the chemo brain and nausea which for me is like being carsick, made reading difficult. A friend sent a couple of books that were awesome, “Awkward Family Photos”. Humor has played a role in my journey so I loved that gift. For years she has sent me the desk calendar to keep the laughter going. Sadly, there are plenty of hairstyles in the pictures from the 70s and 80s that I can identify with a little more than I would like to.

Prayers

The patient may not need anything from you but if you are a faithful person you can always pray. It might be what they need most and the only thing you can do. I felt all of the prayers during my journeys and it’s an incredible feeling.

 

We all have roles in each other’s lives. cancer doesn’t change that. Continue to be that person and just be there without expectation. Just be.

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