During my good weeks, I sometimes forget I have cancer but there are always reminders.The past two cycles have seemed that the good weeks last longer. I feel like I have more “normal” time. However, not a day goes by that I don’t think about cancer or what is potentially ahead of me.

The Dread That The Daily, Weekly, And Week Before Reminders Create

There are daily reminders that I do have cancer. The always pull me back. One of the reminders this cycle is that my arm is bruised from chemo last time. It hurts. Just pulling my sleeve over it hurts. But again, I forget until I feel it.

Another thing is the blood work. Every Thursday I have to have my white blood cell counts checked to be sure they aren’t too low. If they get too low I could potentially not be able to have treatment.  So this morning I am off to have my weekly blood draw.

The other reminder that happens is a week before my first appointment in Houston, MD Anderson confirmation calls starts. Their recorded message calls my cell phone and asks me to confirm all appointments. The calls started last night. Dread is what I feel when I see the recognizable 800 number and hear the automated voice.

Southwest sends a cheery reminder the week before saying “Your trip is just around the corner”. UGH, dread, sick feeling in my stomach. I think it’s worse because I feel good right now and those reminders make me remember what’s ahead.

To Be Clear, I Want To Go To Treatment

Having said all of that, I feel like I need to clarify something. I want to be able to go to treatment every three weeks. I am grateful I can go and that there are options for me. The reminders create dread by stopping me from living in the moment and catapult me into next week and the pain of treatment and after effects.

My Fitness Has Clearly Suffered Through Treatments

The last reminder is my fitness level. This is a daily reminder. It seems that this time it has been harder to come back. I am running 2:1’s now which seems short from the 6:1’s I was at for San Diego. It’s a constant exercise for me to remember that I am going through chemo and just being able to be out there is a gift.  I am running the Austin half marathon on Sunday. It’s a Livestrong event which I thought would be a great thing to do during the battle I am currently in. I’m nervous about being able to do it, just as I was for Disney. Disney was great so I’m hopeful that the excitement of the event helps push me through this. My plan is the same as Disney, 3:2’s for as long as I can. I hear there are some hills on the course, but I can walk if I have to, but on the downhills I can run more than 3 if I can. Mentally, having the same plan for Austin that I had for Disney is helping. I had no trouble doing that so this should be great as well.